I dragged myself to the deserted top floor of my hosts house and, thank god, found the bathroom free.
I leant my head against the glass window pane, took a few deep breaths and finally now I had some privacy I could confront the awful fact that for the past week I had been increasingly overcome by a feeling of numbness, a panicked, strung-out feeling.
I wrung my hands and soon enough I was crying in a way I haven't in a long time. Eventually I calmed down, agreed to stop feeling sorry for myself and resolved to answer some important questions...
..The type no au pair wants to ever have to ask:
1. Was I unhappy?
2. Why?
3. What could I do to fix this situation?
And I made sure I was brutally honest with myself. I confronted all the problems that had been building up and found I had to accept was that I simply was not a happy au pair, let alone person. Things were not going to way I planned in Pisa and now I had to find a way to fix them.
***
Pisa had started off beautifully. I had contacted the Pisa family while still in London, when desperate for a solution. My previous family in the Veneto Region had just informed me they could no longer have an au pair, for reasons they could not disclose. I was devastated but resolved to move on, try again, keep positive.
Wanting both to resume au pairing asap and to see more of Tuscany I decided to accept this family's offer. I said I would be there within three days. There was no Skype interview, no nothing. In hindsight I regret this a great deal.
When I arrived in Pisa I was delighted to find my hostess was down-to earth, hardworking, honest and very generous. She had a no bullshit manner that I found different from my previous hostess, but reassuring in its own way. I knew we would get along well, we could be honest with each other.
I also found her three children absolutely gorgeous. The eldest child was quite independent but charming, and the two little girls were very partial to me from the minute I walked in.
The husband a good-humoured, genuine man was leaving soon, as he was a soldier required to work overseas for no less than 7 months at a time. He was making the most of his last few weeks with his family, but always had enough time to chat with me, help me out, and make me feel welcome.
I couldn't believe my luck. I felt happy, safe, and appreciated. I began to think more positively about the abrupt ending with the other family in veneto.
The location was also lovely. Green, tuscan fields, tall thin cyprus trees, fresh flowers, dramatic sunsets, medieval castles perched on cliffs...I thought I may have walked into a dream.
***
It was very emotional for the family when the father left. The eldest child in particular, still a boy but quickly growing up, found it hard to say goodbye to his Dad. The night before the man left my hostess gave me a big kiss on the cheek with tears in her eyes and told me how grateful she was that I was going to be here for the summer to help her. Without her husband it was very difficult, but now I was here. I felt thrilled that I was proving to be so useful, that I was needed so much.
However the dynamic of the family changed after his departure. My hostess was obviously really very stressed. Every day she had one hundred and one things to do, always darting in and out of the house, picking the children up, dropping off things for work, grocery shopping, running errands. Sometimes I asked if there was anything I could do. Could I go to the shops for her? Pick up the kids from school? The answer was 9 times out of 10 no. I was puzzled but at this stage not too worried.
But as the weeks progressed it was the little things that bit by bit became hard to deal with. I began to feel uncomfortable but could not yet say why because the problems presented themselves in the disguise of blessings. The children thankfully loved me, but to my confused dismay/happiness it was not that they loved me too much that was the problem, but it was that they had unlimited access to me...
I was like a robotic nanny, available 7 days a week with no weekends, from midday to as late as 11pm at night. During the hours the children were alone with me I wanted to give my very best to them and we had some beautiful moments in the garden, running around, playing imaginary games, wrestling, tickling, doing arts and crafts, making daisy crowns, playing with the dog...it is tiring though to play with children for even an hour. Children seem to only have two settings: On and Off. And when they are On they are full-on and I began to wonder if there was an alternative way to be an au pair...one where I could be both fully available and the fun energetic au pair that was expected of me...
At the end of each day I was exhausted. The family went to bed very late each night, and the children would sometimes still be up and wanting my attention till as late as 10pm. Often as I tried to speak with friends on Facebook and Skype on the family computer, my sole window into the world outside the house I was staying in. Often I gave up trying to sustain an important conversation with a friend and caved into a disney youtube sing-a-long session. Another time I took to hiding in the laundry in order to make a Skype call. I was quickly discovered.
I would finally switch off the computer around 1am, having been able to get my fill of the world outside Pisa. My head would touch the pillow and like I had hit a switch I disappeared into a slumber so heavy I would not wake till as late as 12pm the next day.
When I did it was because the girls would burst into my room, jump onto my bed, run around my room, grabbing things, quarreling, bouncing on top of me still cocooned in my doona, eyes still gummed together. They would complain I slept for too long. Could I skip having a shower, it takes too long, they would ask; can we play before lunch? Can we play after lunch? Can we go to the park? Can we go to the park twice?? Why hadn't I gotten out of bed yet?? Why was I just lying there?? They would eventually pull me out of bed and a new long day would begin before I, the au pair robot, had even had time to recharge my batteries.
I never resented the children ever, I was never angry...never complained, never lost my temper. It was not their fault. They very innocently and even charmingly saw me as a very exciting new playmate, and my living with them was like an endless sleepover.
But I was becoming exhausted. With no official weekend or day off in sight, I began to slowly fall apart. I was sleep deprived, physically exhausted and emotionally strung out. The children's once affectionate wrestling, tugging and chasing began to lose it's lustre. instead I felt smothered like one of those bunnies you see in a public petting zoo. The one that gets dunked by a voracious toddler into a bucket full of water while the child's mother is busy looking the other way.
I had dreamed of coming to Tuscany, working during the week and traveling on the weekends to nearby locations...Siena, Lucca, San Gimignano, Volterra...but my hostess needed 'flexibility' aka, every day. So I stayed in the house with the three children to myself.
One day in Pisa I woke up with pain in my back. Prior to pisa I had experienced kidney problems and telling my hostess about this we agreed I should go to the hospital. After spending 6 hours of waiting at the hospital it was concluded nothing was seriously wrong, probably trouble with a nerve in my back. Looking back on the incident my conclusion is the illness was a result of stress.
The next day my hostess had a big row with both her eldest children. She left the house for a long period of time, leaving me alone with the 7 year old girl for many hours. When my hostess returned she was too agitated to eat dinner. She hadn't been able to eat lunch either. I looked at her perched on the kitchen stool, starring numbly into her soup and saw she was rapidly losing weight. Her anxiety had rubbed off onto her children and they had been hard to handle that day, now they were bickering and neither of us had the the strength to get them to stop. I was feeling exhausted and worried. The mood in the house was grim.
The following day things got worse. I was alone in the house again with the children for many hours wanting to play endlessly. I wondered how it was that I was so tired but had barely done anything the last few days. That evening it struck me that I hadn't left the house except for the hospital in more than a week. When my hostess returned that afternoon she was once again agitated and frustrated due to problems at work. She became easily irritated that I had left the front door open and furthermore angry that the expensive vacuum cleaner appeared to be broken. I had been the last one to use it, so it was implied I was responsible.
But as the weeks progressed it was the little things that bit by bit became hard to deal with. I began to feel uncomfortable but could not yet say why because the problems presented themselves in the disguise of blessings. The children thankfully loved me, but to my confused dismay/happiness it was not that they loved me too much that was the problem, but it was that they had unlimited access to me...
I was like a robotic nanny, available 7 days a week with no weekends, from midday to as late as 11pm at night. During the hours the children were alone with me I wanted to give my very best to them and we had some beautiful moments in the garden, running around, playing imaginary games, wrestling, tickling, doing arts and crafts, making daisy crowns, playing with the dog...it is tiring though to play with children for even an hour. Children seem to only have two settings: On and Off. And when they are On they are full-on and I began to wonder if there was an alternative way to be an au pair...one where I could be both fully available and the fun energetic au pair that was expected of me...
At the end of each day I was exhausted. The family went to bed very late each night, and the children would sometimes still be up and wanting my attention till as late as 10pm. Often as I tried to speak with friends on Facebook and Skype on the family computer, my sole window into the world outside the house I was staying in. Often I gave up trying to sustain an important conversation with a friend and caved into a disney youtube sing-a-long session. Another time I took to hiding in the laundry in order to make a Skype call. I was quickly discovered.
I would finally switch off the computer around 1am, having been able to get my fill of the world outside Pisa. My head would touch the pillow and like I had hit a switch I disappeared into a slumber so heavy I would not wake till as late as 12pm the next day.
When I did it was because the girls would burst into my room, jump onto my bed, run around my room, grabbing things, quarreling, bouncing on top of me still cocooned in my doona, eyes still gummed together. They would complain I slept for too long. Could I skip having a shower, it takes too long, they would ask; can we play before lunch? Can we play after lunch? Can we go to the park? Can we go to the park twice?? Why hadn't I gotten out of bed yet?? Why was I just lying there?? They would eventually pull me out of bed and a new long day would begin before I, the au pair robot, had even had time to recharge my batteries.
I never resented the children ever, I was never angry...never complained, never lost my temper. It was not their fault. They very innocently and even charmingly saw me as a very exciting new playmate, and my living with them was like an endless sleepover.
But I was becoming exhausted. With no official weekend or day off in sight, I began to slowly fall apart. I was sleep deprived, physically exhausted and emotionally strung out. The children's once affectionate wrestling, tugging and chasing began to lose it's lustre. instead I felt smothered like one of those bunnies you see in a public petting zoo. The one that gets dunked by a voracious toddler into a bucket full of water while the child's mother is busy looking the other way.
I had dreamed of coming to Tuscany, working during the week and traveling on the weekends to nearby locations...Siena, Lucca, San Gimignano, Volterra...but my hostess needed 'flexibility' aka, every day. So I stayed in the house with the three children to myself.
***
One day I got a call from an Italian friend I had made in Australia before I left for my travels. He was back in Italy and invited me to go with him to Genova or Cinque Terre.
Instead of being excited at the prospect I was filled with anxiety. Every night that past week my hostess had been sombre, exhausted and had fought with the children. Despite the fact I was dying for a break I was too scared to ask her her for a weekend away...not when she so obviously needed help. It would be unfair of me, selfish I thought.
I put off the invitation for as long as possible, desperately waiting for a chance to ask when the time was right. One night my hostess joked that when summer came around she would need me not just for afternoons but mornings too because the children would be on school holidays for three months. She joked she would be keeping me on a tight leash. I realized with horror that it might be a long time possibly months before I got the chance to go to Genova, let alone leave the house.
***
One day in Pisa I woke up with pain in my back. Prior to pisa I had experienced kidney problems and telling my hostess about this we agreed I should go to the hospital. After spending 6 hours of waiting at the hospital it was concluded nothing was seriously wrong, probably trouble with a nerve in my back. Looking back on the incident my conclusion is the illness was a result of stress.
***
The next day my hostess had a big row with both her eldest children. She left the house for a long period of time, leaving me alone with the 7 year old girl for many hours. When my hostess returned she was too agitated to eat dinner. She hadn't been able to eat lunch either. I looked at her perched on the kitchen stool, starring numbly into her soup and saw she was rapidly losing weight. Her anxiety had rubbed off onto her children and they had been hard to handle that day, now they were bickering and neither of us had the the strength to get them to stop. I was feeling exhausted and worried. The mood in the house was grim.
***
The following day things got worse. I was alone in the house again with the children for many hours wanting to play endlessly. I wondered how it was that I was so tired but had barely done anything the last few days. That evening it struck me that I hadn't left the house except for the hospital in more than a week. When my hostess returned that afternoon she was once again agitated and frustrated due to problems at work. She became easily irritated that I had left the front door open and furthermore angry that the expensive vacuum cleaner appeared to be broken. I had been the last one to use it, so it was implied I was responsible.
When things quietened down after a sombre dinner I went upstairs hoping for some time to myself with my book. I was only a page in when they children found me, they came tumbling into my room, wanting to play. I looked at the time, it was 9:30pm.
Half an hour later, miserable and frustrated, I had shaken the children off and desperately wanted to talk to someone my own age. In Pisa so far my only company had been the children of the family, all under the age of 13. However I had no privacy to make a call as the kitchen was occupied, the lounge room was occupied and upstairs had no wifi. I was bending down to pick up the little one pulling at my skirt when I was accidentally struck in the face by the 7 year old. She and her brother were chasing each other around the house and I got stuck in the middle of the two, surrounded by flailing arms and legs. She apologized and I reassured her it was nothing. It was just a small cut and not painful but long repressed tears stung my eyes.
I sat down at the computer once again and in between disney song sessions I did managed to message a friend on Skype and he was alarmed by how depressed I was. He reminded me of why I went to Italy in the first place: to have a holiday and see the beautiful country...to enjoy myself. He told me I had to be strong and tell my hostess I was unhappy, see if we could fix this problem.
After talking to my friend I decided that all I needed to say was that:
1. I was stressed:
2. Because I felt I was working very long hours a day and did not have any days off
3. Would it be possible to arrange for me to have at least one day off a week?
I had a long sleepless night. The next morning, full of anxiety I took a deep breath and spoke to my hostess. Unfortunately a compromise could not be reached. I was given another week to stay in the house till I found another family. I was asked to stay away from the children and not talk to them except for at mealtimes. I asked why and was told it was for 'their protection,' something I still cannot understand. The order was unnecessary anyway because the children barely spoke to me. The family had a history of au pairs leaving the house on bad terms, and now to the children I was just like all the other quitters...I was a disappointment.
Remaining in the house as this unwanted guest was unbearable so I called my friend in Genova, asked him if I could stay for a few days and arranged to leave the following morning. Once again I never got a chance to say goodbye to the children of my au pair family. The experience was in short devastating.
Half an hour later, miserable and frustrated, I had shaken the children off and desperately wanted to talk to someone my own age. In Pisa so far my only company had been the children of the family, all under the age of 13. However I had no privacy to make a call as the kitchen was occupied, the lounge room was occupied and upstairs had no wifi. I was bending down to pick up the little one pulling at my skirt when I was accidentally struck in the face by the 7 year old. She and her brother were chasing each other around the house and I got stuck in the middle of the two, surrounded by flailing arms and legs. She apologized and I reassured her it was nothing. It was just a small cut and not painful but long repressed tears stung my eyes.
I sat down at the computer once again and in between disney song sessions I did managed to message a friend on Skype and he was alarmed by how depressed I was. He reminded me of why I went to Italy in the first place: to have a holiday and see the beautiful country...to enjoy myself. He told me I had to be strong and tell my hostess I was unhappy, see if we could fix this problem.
After talking to my friend I decided that all I needed to say was that:
1. I was stressed:
2. Because I felt I was working very long hours a day and did not have any days off
3. Would it be possible to arrange for me to have at least one day off a week?
I had a long sleepless night. The next morning, full of anxiety I took a deep breath and spoke to my hostess. Unfortunately a compromise could not be reached. I was given another week to stay in the house till I found another family. I was asked to stay away from the children and not talk to them except for at mealtimes. I asked why and was told it was for 'their protection,' something I still cannot understand. The order was unnecessary anyway because the children barely spoke to me. The family had a history of au pairs leaving the house on bad terms, and now to the children I was just like all the other quitters...I was a disappointment.
Remaining in the house as this unwanted guest was unbearable so I called my friend in Genova, asked him if I could stay for a few days and arranged to leave the following morning. Once again I never got a chance to say goodbye to the children of my au pair family. The experience was in short devastating.
***
For every Au pair I guess it is different but for me all I know is that I benefit the most from separating my working life, and my free time. In my working life I am someone who enjoys spontaneity but needs structure. I like to know when I start work and when I finish as this allows me to then pace myself and give 100% to my job for all the hours in between.
In Pisa however I was essentially always working, perpetually on duty but my hostess disagreed. She didn't understand why I felt that way as I had all mornings to myself. She wanted me to feel like a family member an older sister, not an employer anyway. We didn't need 'days off' or 'working hours' in this relationship.
I tried to explain to her that I didn't know that such a sibling existed, one who was willing to be a carer seven days a week with no chance to hang out with friends, to relax, to go on holiday, to have privacy, time in their room to themselves. I also stopped myself from adding that a sibling can yell at her brothers and sisters to get out of her room...I couldn't do that to the children (and wouldn't want to) and i was pretty positive my hostess wouldn't want me to either.
Furthermore to make the most of my mornings (e.g. by going to Firenze) as she suggested meant having to get up at 6am as the train took nearly 2 hours. On top of that the fare was up to 20 euros. I couldn't justify spending that much without giving myself at least 4 or 5 hours in Firenze, not on a salary of 65 euros a week. But every night I was needed till late. I could not survive on 6 hours sleep...I wanted to save my money for a more rewarding day off, a chance to spend a whole day or two in Firenze. I was trapped in a cycle of spending money on trips that were not worth the expenditure, but not ever having the chance to travel to somewhere for a worthwhile period of time.
My hostess still did not understand. Was I upset because the girls woke me up this morning? is that what this was all about? She told me it was impossible to stop the girls from waking me up in the morning. She had asked them not to once, but they wouldn't listen to her so she had given up stopping them. I tried to explain that I wasn't angry at the girls, it would be stupid to be angry at them...I was upset because my hostess couldn't and didn't think it necessary to protect my needs for privacy and rest.
It was no good. We just could not understand each other. My hostess was sure her understanding of how au pairing works was best, because it suited her, it was what she needed. And in the end I acknowledged the fact too. It was the best way for her, but it was not the best way for me.
If there is another way to approach my work than I am not sure what it is. If it is to become a half-assed au pair, plonking the kids down in front of the tv all day than that is just not what I do...not when I am earning money, not when someone is doing me the great honor of keeping me in their home, feeding me, hosting me. But the flip side is that I also cannot simply work like a robot, or be expected to give up what means most to me: my freedom.
The reality of my situation in Pisa was that my hostess was a strongly independent and active woman who needed me to be an immobile carer for her family, an ever-present figure with whom to safely leave her children. In short she needed a replacement figure for her husband, a parent figure.
And I guess this is what hurt so much about the situation. She was a free-spirit who spoke often about the virtues of being independent but could not recognize my need for the same freedoms. The Pisa experience had become a matter of deciding who's freedom I cared about the most: mine or hers. And devastatingly I concluded I had to protect my own, not simply out of selfishness but because I was undeniably suffering.
What also hurt was that I had been a darn good au pair. She was amazed by my rapport with the children, thankful for my calm and can-do attitude (even when inside I was screaming NOOOO) and told me about the awful au pairs she had had before...and yet she still could not think about altering her understanding of what constituted the best au pair arrangement, come up with a weekly schedule or give me one day off. Even at risk of losing me, her most reliable and successful au pair so far.
With my two au pair experiences combined I have learned some hard lessons.
1. If you are unhappy this is a truth, it is important to deal with it and you must no matter how scary it seems
2. With au pairing there are two kinds of benefits you can expect from that job: freedom or money
3. If you are really lucky, as I was with my first family, you can even find a family that can provide you with both. And when that happens, you are very lucky and happy indeed.
And I guess that is why I titled this post 'Hard Lessons Learned the Easy Way.' Telling the truth and being honest are in reality such simple actions to complete. Yet when it comes to actually opening our mouths and uttering the words 'I am not happy,' it takes so much courage, so much belief in yourself.
So I did learn hard lessons the easy way, the simple way: by telling the truth.
As for what I am doing now, have been living with my amazing friend and his beautiful family in Genova for the past month and I cannot begin to describe how wonderful the experience has been.
We have been to Cinque Terre by motorbike, spent happy weekends cosily tucked behind the mountains of Genova in the little town of Bandita in the Piemonte region. We have made gnocchi from scratch, partied, learned each other's languages and given each other opportunities we didn't have before. I have made more friends in the space of a month than I have made in the last 4 months au pairing. I feel happy, I am well and loving Italy.
Time has eased the pain of what happened in Pisa but my hesitation to au pair again remains. I feel that au pairing has broken my heart twice now, in two different ways. I have so far rejected another two au pairing job offers...and am now in talks about another au pair job in Rome. Whether I will accept it I am unsure.
I partly want to accept the job in Rome not only because they are a family new to the concept of au pairing and incredibly keen to know what best suits me; they see me as a person, not as a toy or robot. I also want to go because I am desperate to give au pairing another shot. I want to know that I can do it again, and do it well. And I guess most of all I want another chance to finally have a happy ending.
In Pisa however I was essentially always working, perpetually on duty but my hostess disagreed. She didn't understand why I felt that way as I had all mornings to myself. She wanted me to feel like a family member an older sister, not an employer anyway. We didn't need 'days off' or 'working hours' in this relationship.
I tried to explain to her that I didn't know that such a sibling existed, one who was willing to be a carer seven days a week with no chance to hang out with friends, to relax, to go on holiday, to have privacy, time in their room to themselves. I also stopped myself from adding that a sibling can yell at her brothers and sisters to get out of her room...I couldn't do that to the children (and wouldn't want to) and i was pretty positive my hostess wouldn't want me to either.
Furthermore to make the most of my mornings (e.g. by going to Firenze) as she suggested meant having to get up at 6am as the train took nearly 2 hours. On top of that the fare was up to 20 euros. I couldn't justify spending that much without giving myself at least 4 or 5 hours in Firenze, not on a salary of 65 euros a week. But every night I was needed till late. I could not survive on 6 hours sleep...I wanted to save my money for a more rewarding day off, a chance to spend a whole day or two in Firenze. I was trapped in a cycle of spending money on trips that were not worth the expenditure, but not ever having the chance to travel to somewhere for a worthwhile period of time.
My hostess still did not understand. Was I upset because the girls woke me up this morning? is that what this was all about? She told me it was impossible to stop the girls from waking me up in the morning. She had asked them not to once, but they wouldn't listen to her so she had given up stopping them. I tried to explain that I wasn't angry at the girls, it would be stupid to be angry at them...I was upset because my hostess couldn't and didn't think it necessary to protect my needs for privacy and rest.
It was no good. We just could not understand each other. My hostess was sure her understanding of how au pairing works was best, because it suited her, it was what she needed. And in the end I acknowledged the fact too. It was the best way for her, but it was not the best way for me.
***
If there is another way to approach my work than I am not sure what it is. If it is to become a half-assed au pair, plonking the kids down in front of the tv all day than that is just not what I do...not when I am earning money, not when someone is doing me the great honor of keeping me in their home, feeding me, hosting me. But the flip side is that I also cannot simply work like a robot, or be expected to give up what means most to me: my freedom.
The reality of my situation in Pisa was that my hostess was a strongly independent and active woman who needed me to be an immobile carer for her family, an ever-present figure with whom to safely leave her children. In short she needed a replacement figure for her husband, a parent figure.
And I guess this is what hurt so much about the situation. She was a free-spirit who spoke often about the virtues of being independent but could not recognize my need for the same freedoms. The Pisa experience had become a matter of deciding who's freedom I cared about the most: mine or hers. And devastatingly I concluded I had to protect my own, not simply out of selfishness but because I was undeniably suffering.
What also hurt was that I had been a darn good au pair. She was amazed by my rapport with the children, thankful for my calm and can-do attitude (even when inside I was screaming NOOOO) and told me about the awful au pairs she had had before...and yet she still could not think about altering her understanding of what constituted the best au pair arrangement, come up with a weekly schedule or give me one day off. Even at risk of losing me, her most reliable and successful au pair so far.
***
With my two au pair experiences combined I have learned some hard lessons.
1. If you are unhappy this is a truth, it is important to deal with it and you must no matter how scary it seems
2. With au pairing there are two kinds of benefits you can expect from that job: freedom or money
3. If you are really lucky, as I was with my first family, you can even find a family that can provide you with both. And when that happens, you are very lucky and happy indeed.
And I guess that is why I titled this post 'Hard Lessons Learned the Easy Way.' Telling the truth and being honest are in reality such simple actions to complete. Yet when it comes to actually opening our mouths and uttering the words 'I am not happy,' it takes so much courage, so much belief in yourself.
So I did learn hard lessons the easy way, the simple way: by telling the truth.
***
As for what I am doing now, have been living with my amazing friend and his beautiful family in Genova for the past month and I cannot begin to describe how wonderful the experience has been.
We have been to Cinque Terre by motorbike, spent happy weekends cosily tucked behind the mountains of Genova in the little town of Bandita in the Piemonte region. We have made gnocchi from scratch, partied, learned each other's languages and given each other opportunities we didn't have before. I have made more friends in the space of a month than I have made in the last 4 months au pairing. I feel happy, I am well and loving Italy.
Time has eased the pain of what happened in Pisa but my hesitation to au pair again remains. I feel that au pairing has broken my heart twice now, in two different ways. I have so far rejected another two au pairing job offers...and am now in talks about another au pair job in Rome. Whether I will accept it I am unsure.
I partly want to accept the job in Rome not only because they are a family new to the concept of au pairing and incredibly keen to know what best suits me; they see me as a person, not as a toy or robot. I also want to go because I am desperate to give au pairing another shot. I want to know that I can do it again, and do it well. And I guess most of all I want another chance to finally have a happy ending.
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