When I arrived to stay with my current family I was aware they already had someone in everyday to clean the house, do the washing and prepare light meals. Also that they had a secondary cleaner to vacuum the floors, repair things and maintain the building. On top of that they also have a grounds keeper who maintains the garden. It must be a quite a big property I thought.
Having 4 boys under the age of 12 can be hard at the best of times, and their father is sometimes required to travel for work So in my opinion the call for another extra hand was warranted.
When I arrived in Castelfranco Veneto I was collected from the station by my hostess, greeted with a kiss on each cheek and driven back to their house. I was only able to catch a glimpse through the car window of the outlines of the cities sandstone beauty at nightfall.
When we entered the premises I could only assume the large block entered by a beautiful stone carriage archway was shared by many families. An old building converted into apartments?
However once inside I couldn't help admiring their house and I had only seen the lobby. Laughing my hostess thanked me for my compliments and chuckling told me that there was something she had not told me yet about her family. As if it was almost a joke she laughingly informed me that they are a Noble Italian family and this is the palace they inherited from her husband's uncle who died without children.
In Australia we don't have Nobles. If we do I certainly haven't met any. So immediately I was a little struck by the singularity of the experience. What the hell does it mean to be a Noble family in modern day Italy? Needless to say I was rather awe-struck, particularly when a few days after my arrival the hostess at my mentioning of the famous Borhese Museum in Rome, jumped in with 'Oh yes! I babysat a Borghese child when I was a teenager in Rome! Because my mother was good friends with the family and wanted someone they could trust.' No ounce of pride or snobbery, just simple fact. Amazingly humble.
I was then shown my rooms. The first is barely a room, more a lobby containing coat and shoe racks, as well as an ironing board. The second room contains my bed, a desk, more french-style wardrobe space than I know what I do with and a couch and tv. But it was the loungeroom, the library and the bedroom suite that really got me. High decorative ceilings gilded paintings depicting greek mythological scenes from the 18th century, beautiful wood panelling on all the furniture and ornate marbled floors...
I could not believe my luck. Things also started to make more sense now regarding the amount of caretakers, the cleaners, the fact her husband travels for work because he is a wine producer. His family have been Noble wine producers for centuries. My hostess later told me she deliberately leaves this information off her profile on the website I found her on, so people choose the four children and the parents, rather than the house or the nobility. Admirably humble is definitely how I would describe this family. It is lovely.
But, how does one be a good Au Pair? It is a question that is still foremost in my mind even after holding this position for more than a week and so far finding myself content and happy.
The question is not of what don't I do, but what do I do? The maid and housekeeper I was surprised to discover not only maintain the washing and house, but pick up one or two of the boys from school, take them to swimming lessons, even prepare them meals and play with them if needed. While it was heart-warming to see the children had so many trusted and caring adults in their lives it was also a suprise to me. Their parents, my employers, are far from distant or workaholic parents, in fact my hostess does not even work anymore, she remains at home with the boys and is a very hands on mother. So hands on at one stage my hostess and I were both playing with the youngest italian noble child, building a wooden railway side by side, collaborating and deciding together the best way to connect our end to the little boys end, which was becoming increasingly hard to catch up to. This is a mother who loves her children deeply and loves to play with them and be present in their lives.
Although an enjoyable experience it was unexpected. I assumed I was needed because the mother (who is a beautiful, beautiful mother and person indeed) was worried that one of the children may need to be taken care of or kept company when she was busy with the other three....or vice versa, not wanting one to be alone at home or feeling neglected. However this does not seem the case. The boys are never really at home alone because of the two cleaners, one of whom actually has his own apartment in a section of the house, he lives just next door. He doubles as a child minder if needed. So I am not here to replace anyone, at the same time nor am I here as a guest or step-in older sister.
So if I am not here to replace the mother, am I here to replace the father when needed? No it seems. The father works from home most of the time and has a beautiful close relationship with his four sons. Even if he goes out for just a day for work he is greeted enthusiatically by four little boys running down the stairs to see who can hug him first. Often when I am downstairs the father will wander up to the kitchen to help the boys with homework, or watch a movie and spend time with them. Yes he does go away for work (the family has vineyards in the Marche region) but this does not seem to be a scheduled thing warranting a constant extra hand like an au pair, me.
My point is, this is not a family that feels it is suffering from a lack of support or closeness. And while this a truly beautiful thing to see with my own eyes, the love and attention these parents, and maids and cleaners give the children, it still leaves open the question of 'but then why am I needed here?'
I am having fun, playing toy trucks is wonderful, but am I needed here? Or is this just a pleasure for the family? For the boys to have a forever available playmate and for the mother and father to have an extra hand in the (rare so far) circumstance that one is away in the evenings, to carry out any duties involving the children needed after 3pm monday to friday. What I understand from my hostess is that the four boys love having an au pair and even have reprimanded her for not having hosted one sooner (I am the second au pair they have had, the previous one last year). So maybe the boys do just love having this playmate/live in nanny. At the same time these are not lonely or needy children. My hostess also encourages them to spend time with friends and by themselves, reading or playing.
In a way all I can conclude is that this is an usually generous arrangement. This family provides me bed and board, I have dinner with them every night, receive a salary, can eat from their fridge at any time, and can go away on the weekend returning in time for moday afternoon. The only time I see myself as being truly required are the rare nights when the father is away and the mother must juggle doing homework with the older two children and putting to bed the younger two.
I am amazed at what generosity they are willing to give in return for what seems to me not just for so few hours compared to what I was expecting, but for so simple a task.
But there are further questions I have discovered that must be answered, and I guess will be answered with time. When I am with the family as a whole at the dinner table, when should I assume it is right for me to step in to feed the littlest one myself, loading his spoon with food and encouraging him to eat it. Often at the dinner table both parents are happy to do this themselves if they are close to him but I am certainly not present at the dinner table because they are not happy to feed the little one by hand. Nor am I there to add conversation to the table which is always full of discussion and laughter. Yes I can add some english to the conversations, yet they boys also receive english lessons.
It is an unusual concept to me, but at the same time maybe it will become more clear with time what my role is here other than distinguished-english-speaking-occasional playmate-mostly guest. And all I can conclude is that the people I am staying with have a generosity I cannot yet comprehend maybe because I have not seen it exemplified in such a way before.
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